by British Sky Broadcasting has announced a sharp rise in profits after seeing the number of idiots paying hundreds of pounds a year to be advertised to on dozens of bullshit channels, rise above 10 million.
Profits rose to £476m for the last six months of 2010, mainly due to a rise in demand for high-definition pictures of people selling you things you absolutely don’t need in between shows about stuff you really shouldn’t be interested in.
Analyst William Matthews explained the figures were so strong in such economically volatile times because there is a seemingly insatiable appetite among the public for flashing lights and bright colours.
“If you add loud noises to the mix, along with the odd programme about some fake-tanned strumpet, then people will gladly give you fifty quid a month for it.”
“And they do this safe in the knowledge that a large chunk of that cash will ultimately end up in the pocket of someone like Joey Barton.”
Sky announce significant profit growth
Sky said they were delighted by the results, with a spokesperson explaining, “We give people what they want. We’re not saying it’s any good, but if people want it, then we’ll provide it. For a price.”
“It might seem expensive, but we need to charge these sorts of amounts to ensure we can pay people like Andy Gray two million pounds a year.”
Television viewer Margaret Downing told us, “It’s funny that people go absolutely apeshit because they have to give the BBC a hundred quid a year, but they will happily give Rupert Murdoch an average of £500 each?”
“If that doesn’t qualify you for the lunatic asylum, then I don’t know what does.”
