Workers at the Daily Mail editorial offices have spent the afternoon struggling to stifle tumescent erections as reports emerged that the latest suspect in the Jo Yeates murder is a foreign national.
Police are refusing to confirm the identity of the 32 year-old they have arrested in connection with the murder, but early reports that he comes from a different country have been met with previously unseen levels of sexual excitement.
A Daily Mail insider told us, “I haven’t been able to have sex with my wife for over a year, but the moment I heard they’d arrested a foreigner I got wood so impressive you could use it to hammer in nails.”
“Seriously, I’ve been pinned to my desk since I heard, but fortunately I don’t need to stand up to create the headlines, and the more headlines I create, the harder I get. I could be here for weeks, seriously.”
Jo Yeates Murder suspect
It is believed that the suspect might be Dutch national Vincent Tabak., and as such might be outwardly unrecognisable from any white British citizen.
Our insider said, “Oh God, shut up! I can feel myself going floppy at the mere thought of a photo of a white man appearing next to the story on the front page.”
“Are we absolutely sure he isn’t one of the many Dutch nationals of African descent? You know, at least a ‘little’ bit brown?”
“Is he here illegally? Come on, seriously, I’m almost at the vinegar strokes here.”