Vatican to beatify John Paul II after Essex man ‘miraculously’ completes Angry Birds

author avatar by 13 years ago

Pope Benedict XVI has paved the way for John Paul II to become a saint, after formally declaring an Essex man’s completion of Angry Birds as a miracle attributed to his late predecessor.

The Vatican credits him with the miraculous completion of the addictive game by a Terry Matthews, 24, who only hours before had shown nothing to suggest he was capable of completing it without some sort of divine intervention.

“I was playing it at my Mum’s – she’s very religious – and so I was sat underneath a photo of John Paul II when I finally finished it.”

“My Mum seems pretty convinced it was her repeated prayers to John Paul II asking him to help me finish I could ‘engage in some sort of conversation with her’ that allowed me to complete it so quickly.”

“I’m a little sceptical myself, but when the Vatican got involved they convinced me that without the intervention of the heavenly father I’d almost certainly still stuck around level 85. Which sounded about right, actually.”

“They turned up, took some photos, made me sign some stuff and then left.”

John Paul II sainthood

The miracle has paved the way for John Paul II to formally become a saint, if they can find just one more miracle they can attribute to the former Pope.

A Vatican spokesperson said, “I realise miracles aren’t quite what they used to be, but in modern terms this one is an absolute doozy.”

“Sure, it’s no talking shrubbery, or walking on water, or raising Lazarus from the Dead – but it’s right up there with the best ones you’ll see on the Internet today, definitely.”

“There is simply no rational scientific explanation for the way Terry was able to complete such a challenging game after just a few short hours whilst sat underneath the photo of a dead Pope. ”

“This has absolutely got ‘saintly angel intervention’ written all over it.”

“I reckon we can make him a Saint by the end of the summer. We’re going to have a party, do you fancy it?”

“It’s BYoB – Bring Your own Boy.”