After two Pandas were secured by Edinburgh Zoo, experts predicted that their lack of physical appeal to the opposite sex, appearing perpetually drunk, and a preference for food with little nutritional value will ensure they feel right at home in Scotland.
Tian Tian and Yangguang’s move to the zoo will be the culmination of five years of intense political and diplomatic negotiation, during which no-one from the UK appeared to realise that Pandas are essentially a rubbish animal.
Scottish tax payer Graham Lambert said, “They live in the green jungle yet evolved to be black and white, and spend their days sat on their arses eating tonnes of the least nutritious food available for miles. They’re absolutely rubbish, yet seemingly already Scottish.”
“I’m extremely annoyed that we’re going to spend all this money on Pandas to sit around all day eating shit food, looking drunk and not having sex. I regularly do that for free. I didn’t even realise funding was available.”
Pandas at Edinburgh Zoo
Zoologists insist the moved will be an important step in continuing a global breeding programmes designed to see Pandas thrive for generations to come.
“If we can get Pandas on to a healthy diet of food that is actually good for them, then maybe we can get Scottish people to do the same. That’s the dream.”
Experienced consumer Patrick Colthart said the reason for the Pandas ongoing struggle to survive was very straight forward.
“I’ll tell you why they’re dying out, it’s because Pandas taste like shite.”
“Let’s be clear about it, if Pandas were delicious you wouldn’t be able to move for all the Panda farms all over the place.”
“It’s no surprise that another useless black and white animal, the cow, thrives in our country. It’s because they’re incredibly appetising.”
“I’m not saying that the production and consumption of that first Panda burger won’t be without its challenges – I imagine it will annoy quite a few people – but if they turn out to be delicious it will secure their ongoing survival for a thousand years.”