The government has admitted defeat in its attempts to curb excessive bank bonuses, after financial organisations decided to award bonuses solely based on the ability of their employees to receive bonuses.
The best the coalition can hope for is a declaration from the banks that they will pay out less than they would have without the government pretending that they have any say in the matter whatsoever.
A government spokesperson said, “We tried to limit bonuses based on a banks poor financial performance, but then they decided to give bonuses for something else entirely.”
“They simply changed bonus qualification from one thing they’re really good at – losing your money – to something else their really good at – putting your money in their pockets.”
“I think it’s probably best if we all just admit defeat in trying to stop people who handle obscene amounts money from giving lots of it to themselves for no apparent reason.”
Bank bonuses in ‘billions’
A Bankers Association spokesperson explained that the new bonus criteria will work much better than previous methods, which could have resulted in no bonuses being paid out at all.
“We’ve looked very hard at our member organisations to see who deserves a bonus this time round, and we’ve made the process very transparent.”
“What we’ve found is that those at the very top of a bank, the most senior executives, are those that show the most ability in receiving bonuses. So they will be getting the biggest pay-outs.”
“The person working the till in your local branch – the one you look in the eye from time time – well, they’re pretty rubbish at receiving bonuses because of something they called ‘shame’ – so they won’t be getting one this time round.”