Emotional support helpline Samaritans are preparing for their busiest weekend in history as millions of people deal with horrendous New Year’s Day hangovers and comedowns.
People all over the nation have over-indulged in alcohol and drugs because they we’re putting a new calendar on the wall, and are currently waking feeling like they have less to live for than Hitler did in April 1945.
Samaritans are therefore preparing for a huge increase in the volumes of calls as people realise that they have destroyed their credit ratings for a shit night out that they can hardly even remember.
“Last night will mark the passing of the worst year in the lives of many people,” said operator Maggie Pembury, “and with things likely to get worse in the next few months, slashing their wrists tomorrow may seem like the practical option.”
“Especially as they’ll have probably made a right tit of themselves because they failed to balance out all the alcohol they took with a sensible amount of red bull and cocaine.”
Pembury continued, “What’s more, many people don’t have any idea how much they spent until they find all the bundles of receipts in their pockets in the morning.”
“Then they realise that they’ll have nothing to live on but economy baked beans and anything that they can shoplift or steal from their friends and family.”
“It’s then our job to try to persuade them that they haven’t got a very good reason for removing themselves from the rat race and doing everybody else a most welcome favour.”
The charity plan to take on hundreds of volunteers over the weekend but are not very hopeful that their temporary recruits will make it in sober or be in a better situation than the people on the other end of line.
“Last year we just had loads of people talking each other into doing the decent thing. But you can’t blame the volunteers. I mean, they’re all about to get sacked from a job that they’ve only just volunteered for as they deal with their own horrific withdrawal symptoms.”