Give more to charity because we’ve cut their funding, says millionaire cabinet minister

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Millionaire Cabinet Office minister Francis Maude has revealed government proposals to prompt people to give away money they haven’t got every single time they open their bloody eyes.

People giving to charity every time they use bank cards, either in-store or at cash machines, fill in tax returns, go to the toilet, hang the washing out or simply sit weeping in desperation, are just some of the initiatives that have been put forward.

Lottery winners who donate large sums to charity will get a signed photo from the minister of their choice, and millionaires, who aren’t common vulgar lottery winners, will get a lifetime peerage.

Mr Maude revealed, “By cutting national funding for charities we are providing people with an excellent opportunity to feel the warm glow associated with giving to good causes.”

“That additional incentive being if they don’t give more money then some charities will be forced to close down.”

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Charity funding proposals

The public have welcomed the proposals, insisting they are always open to being harangued for money anytime, anywhere.

“When I’m queuing up at the supermarket, I’m thoroughly looking forward to shaking my head and tutting if the person in front of me declines the opportunity to add a bit on to their bill for charity,” said one shopper eager to get into the spirit of the guilt-trip charity giveaway.

Another said, “I think it’s great, when I go to cash machines there’s sometimes a homeless chap there who asks me if I can spare some change, but now that I can donate a few quid to charity when I make a withdrawal I can tell him to ‘fuck off’ completely guilt-free.”

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