by Business Secretary Vince Cable has had all media responsibility removed from his portfolio, but will retain his position in the cabinet under the stairs and behind all the suitcases at Downing Street.
Cable will be allowed out a meal times, and for an hour of exercise a day, but will not be allowed to speak to anyone who looks even remotely like an undercover reporter after further revelations that he appears to think almost like a normal person.
Voter Deirdre Williams told us, “The ‘not getting on with the people he works with’ was the most normal thing I think I’ve ever heard a politician say.”
“And now he tells people he doesn’t like Rupert Murdoch and will use all of his power to wage war on his empire to prevent its seemingly unstoppable assault on the UK media industry? Isn’t that something we’d all like to do?”
“I feel safe in saying that’s one war that wouldn’t fill the streets with protesters, no matter how many lives were lost.”
“Fighting to prevent anything resembling Fox news appearing on our shores is surely the very definition of a just war?”
Vince Cable staying in cabinet
After a tumultuous twenty-four hour period there are concerns for Cable’s mental state after Gazza turned up at Lib Dem HQ with a bucket of chicken and a fishing rod.
“Ay, a hurd he was havin’ a tough time of it, like.” Gazza told reporters after parking his car against a lamp-post.
A coalition spokesperson explained that Cable’s cabinet is perfectly comfortable, and that visitors are allowed between 12:30 and 1pm every other day.
“He’ll be allowed out just as soon as he can be relied upon not to embarrass us further every single time he opens his mouth.”
