Don’t judge us by the Cannibal’s standards, demand crossbow enthusiasts

author avatar by 14 years ago

Crossbow owners across the country have been quick to ask the public not to judge them by the Crossbow Cannibal’s standards, insisting their own fascination with the medieval killing device is entirely normal.

40-year-old Stephen Griffiths was sentenced to life in prison for the murders of three women, though the effects of the trial will have wider consequences for crossbow enthusiasts everywhere.

Mike Williams, 37, told us, “I own fourteen crossbows, ranging from a 15th century pull handle model, to an imported modern Excaliber Vortex rifle model, but this whole ‘crossbow-enthusiast murdering prostitutes’ thing is going to make people look at me very differently, I just know it.”

“If a stamp collector killed someone, you wouldn’t start looking at stamp collectors as potential murderers, would you? So why do it with people who collect perfectly legitimate silent killing machines?”

“I don’t believe there is any proven link between people collecting things that kill people, and people who kill people. At least not that I’ve seen, and I think it’s a bit of a leap to suggest such a link exists.”

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Crossbow Cannibal life sentence

The conviction of Stephen Griffiths has led to further calls for the ban of weapons such as the crossbow, which many claim serve little purpose in a modern civilised society, beyond the blood-lust gratification of so-called ‘game hunters’.

Another crossbow enthusiast who preferred to remain nameless told us, “I hope this case doesn’t result in the knee-jerk ban of all silent killing devices, that would be a shame.”

“Personally, I very rarely think about killing prostitutes, and certainly never actually do it, so I think comparing my fascination with crossbows to that of Stuart Griffiths is unfair in the extreme.”

“I think if you took all of my crossbows away from me, and I didn’t have the reassurance of knowing that they were always within reach, then I’d never be able to maintain an erection ever again.”

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