The standard of intercourse on offer in many UK prisons falls below EU standards, with many lags unaware of fundamentals such as water-based lubricants, Julian Assange told a packed hearing at the High Court yesterday.
After paying tribute to the British justice system, Assange claimed that sex between inmates is often restricted to a ten minute fumble during shower time, usually as a result of someone having to bend over to pick up detergent of some kind.
The Australian criticised films such as the Shawshank Redemption and American History X for promoting the idea that prison sex takes place under hot showers with the clouds of steam somehow adding to the eroticism.
In a British jail, Assange told reporters, one can expect no such luxury. A first-date for many new inmates will often end with a vigorous arse-pounding in sub-zero conditions as one desperately clings on to the Victorian plumbing.
As he breathed in the fresh London air, Assange recalled how on his first day he befriended a con known as “Vinnie”, who is serving a six month sentence for murder, and promised to watch Assange’s back in return for certain favours.
Assange prison experience
Assange told reporters, “Vinnie’s idea of foreplay was to spit into the palm of his hand and apply this to the area of his penis known as the bell-end.”
“This would be accompanied with words such as ‘Are you ready for this lover boy?’ or ‘I’ve loved you from the moment I read about your detailed expose of US indifference to human rights violations in the Former Democratic Republic of Congo’.”
“And I can confirm to you that the popular idea that aggressive powerfully-built men make the gentlest lovers is a myth. I think it’s fair to say that my anus has taken on all the physical characteristics of a windsock in a force ten gale.”
“At least in a French jail, I would have been permitted a post-coital cigarette as I contemplated taking my own life.”
“And honestly, it doesn’t really help being called Julian.”