Half of boys can’t ‘count or read good’ says minister

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Over half of all boys are struggling to do good words or make good sums after a year of primary school, according to new government findings.

The survey showed that a further two thirds are unable to so much as write their name or count to five, putting their literacy at a level rarely seen outside of the House of Commons.

A spokesman from the Department of Education said, “Boys are lagging behind girls, but the outcomes for all children who can’t count or read good are significantly worserer than for those who do gooderer.”

Geraldine Grange of the Institute for Parenting told us, “We know that children who do not master basic literacy by the age of six have a far higher chance of turning out to be chavs, hoodies or bankers.”

“Although, in some cases – for example if your father is wealthy and has a bunch of cronies in the White House – you may become President of the United States.”

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Child literacy rates

Research suggests that disparities in educational levels become progressively harder to remedy after primary school, potentially condemning children to a life of playing the national lottery and watching the X-Factor.

One teacher said, “If we can’t teach these children basic numeracy, they will spend their lives thinking that scratch cards are a fantastic way to make money.”

Labour criticised the government’s record on improving literacy and numeracy over the long term, and claimed that the so-called ‘pupil premium’ of £430 would probably be spent on magic beans.

“In any case,” said shadow education secretary Andy Burnham, “You don’t have to be well-educated to get on in life. Look at people like Jordan. Thick as a log, twice as tedious and stinking rich. The cow.”