Ex-Minister Bob Ainsworth, responsible for the Government drugs policy under Tony Blair, has called for all drugs to be made legally available now that he can’t be blamed for it.
The Labour backbencher raised his concerns that the drugs policies of successive governments are “Leaving the drugs market in the hands of criminals”.
“This is causing huge and unnecessary harm to individuals, communities and entire countries” concluded Ainsworth, a mere seven years after anyone stopped giving a crap about his opinion on the matter.
Mr Ainsworth, the most senior politician to ever suggest the legalisation of all drugs, stated that he first realised that the so-called war on drugs could not be won while he was a minister in charge of drugs policy in the Home Office.
In light of this realisation, the MP for Coventry North East promptly did nothing about it for the next seven years.
When asked about his prolonged silence on the matter, Mr Ainsworth replied, “I suppose I could have done something about it while I was in charge of Government drugs policy, or even when I had an influential Cabinet position in Gordon Brown’s government.”
“But I really feel that now, when I have absolutely no power or influence over the matter, is the right time for me to speak out.”
Bob Ainsworth Drug decriminalisation
A government spokesman speaking from a Parliamentary toilet cubicle clarified the Conservative stance on the issue, telling us, “Look peasant, do you think we’re absolutely stupid or something?”
“We haven’t put this much effort into dodging taxes just to go and slap one on cocaine. Now sod off, I’m trying finish this line.”
However, the issue could be set to cause divisions amongst the Coalition, as Nick Clegg indicated the Liberal Democrats could be open to a more relaxed drugs policy.
Talking to reporters from beneath the duvet he has been hiding under since the student protests, Mr Clegg sobbed “I could seriously use a nice joint right now.”