Former painter and decorator Matt Cardle last night won this year’s X Factor, giving him every opportunity to become the next Leon Jackson.
Cardle beat someone from Liverpool and some teenage boys to win the opportunity to do Simon Cowell’s bidding until he grows tired of his new plaything.
Fans of the cheeky Essex boy told reporters, “This is brilliant! We were hoping Matt would become the latest pawn in Simon Cowell’s ongoing battle to control the planet, and last night could not have gone better to be honest.”
“Sure, there might be a couple of records, but this is an opportunity to learn at the side of the master, he’ll see first hand the art of manipulating a nation of morons.”
The win sees Cardle secure a £1m recording contract, from which Cowell will take fees of £975,000 for looking disdainfully in Cardle’s direction three times a week.
“And £23,000 for stationery,” clarified a Cowell minion.
X Factor winner Matt Cardle
Meanwhile Cowell has hired extra security after someone showed him the film Snatch, which highlights the vengeance-seeking nature of the travelling community to which rapper Cher belongs.
“If he’d known who he was crossing he might have thought twice about slagging her off,” said one show insider.
“He’s been panicking since someone parked a static caravan near the entrance to his compound.”
In an incident seen by eagle-eyed viewers at the end of last night’s show, Harry from boyband One Direction was seen telling new winner Cardle, “Man, you’re going to get so much pussy now.”
However experts have said this isn’t necessarily true, with one explaining, “I heard that nice boy Joe McElderry hasn’t got near a vagina since his win last year.”