Mike Ashley seeking new manager who hasn’t heard of Mike Ashley

author avatar by 14 years ago

Newcastle United chairman Mike Ashley this morning began his lengthy search for a manager who knows who Newscastle United are, but who also has absolutely no idea about its arsehole chairman.

Manager Chris Hughton was fired yesterday for single-handedly failing to turn the club into the sort of laughing stock every football fan has come to expect in recent years.

Club insiders have said the search is now on, and that Ashley is looking for one of the world’s top idiots to take on the seemingly impossible role of making the team competitive whilst also ensuring bat-shit crazy Mike Ashley is always the centre of attention.

An unnamed source told us, “Fortunately there are lots of managers who don’t know who Mike Ashley is, and the trick is ensuring they don’t learn about him during the interview process.”

“To be honest, Google is making it very difficult.”

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They went on to describe the challenges they face conducting interviews at St James’ Park.

“We can mention the club, the history, Kevin Keegan, Peter Beardsley, Ant and Dec – all that stuff.  Then we just try and avoid the question about the shirtless man wandering around the corridors claiming he can fire everyone.”

“Admittedly it’s going to be difficult when he looks through the glass at them making cut-throat gestures.”

“He’s like a mentally unstable ruddy-faced overweight Alan Sugar.  He fired three sofas and a bucket of sand this morning. It’s been like this since someone let him watch the Apprentice last week.”

“Yesterday he spent two hours trying to fire himself whilst looking at the enormous mirror we had installed in his office as a ‘distraction’. He became so agitated we had to shoot him with a tranquilliser gun.”

“We’re thinking we’ll tell the candidates it’s a care in the community thing, at least until they sign a contract.  Though we’ll probably just tell Martin Jol he’s been at some primo mind-bending weed – he’s Dutch, so he’ll probably buy that.”

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