by The same Councils who regularly leave your rubbish on the street, or fail to collect it altogether, are to be put in charge of encouraging healthier lifestyles under plans to be unveiled by ministers.
Local public health directors will be moved out of the NHS into local councils, organisations that hardly ever kill anyone at all.
The government believes the wider remit of councils in areas such as failing to grit your roads, dealing with litter, and leaving rotting garbage outside your house for days, puts them in a strong position when looking for someone to blame when nobody gets any healthier.
Resident Kelly Williams said, “This is just what I needed, someone at the council telling me to be a bit healthier. When I call up to ask why they’ve not removed the burnt out car at the end of the road they can remind me to eat my five a day.”
“Perhaps they can add rope ladders to all the street lights that don’t work and we can combine a light workout with the ability to fix them ourselves?”
Councils get health remit
Ministers have insisted the new realignment of health responsibilities is the most efficient way for the government to devolve themselves of any responsibility whatsoever for an increasingly unhealthy population.
Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said, “If you want to impact positively on people’s health, what better way than passing that responsibility to the people our citizens are regularly contacting to complain about something or other?”
“No-one is going to listen if the government tells you to take 20 minutes of exercise at least three times a week, but if that reminder comes when you’re shouting at someone because of all the dog shit in the park, then maybe it will sink in.”
