by We look to the week ahead for the world’s celebrities, and ask, what do the stars have in hold for you?
 | SCORPIO – Bernie Ecclestone (28th October) – Don’t wear anything expensive this week, otherwise you will get blood all over it on Wednesday. Oh, hang on, this is last week’s horoscope. |
 | SAGITTARIUS – Brad Pitt (18th December) – Domestic bliss is shattered this week when Angelina pops out to get milk and returns with another baby from a country neither of you can pronounce. |
 | CAPRICORN – Stephen Hawking (30th December) – Control Alt Delete. Remember that sequence, you’re going to need it on Thursday morning. Forget it, and you could be stuck in Asda’s meat aisle for hours. |
 | AQUARIUS – Kim Jong Il (16th February) – Get your best jumpsuit dry cleaned, as you’re going to be all over the news on Wednesday when you beat your personal best at North Korea’s premier golf course. 16 holes in one, you are incredible. |
 | PISCES – Gordon Brown (20th February) – This week will give you the chance to once again feel that buzz of real power, when you get the chance to do something about the Leylandii problem affecting so many of your rural Scottish constituents. |
 | ARIES – Keira Knightley (26th March) – Now that most of your London Boulevard media responsibilities are done, you are free to laugh yourself silly at Colin Farrell’s comically bad cockney accent. We know you’re dying to. |
 | TAURUS – Andy Murray (15th May) – A smile will appear on your face on Monday, but it will soon disappear when you realise it was caused by trapped wind. |
 | GEMINI – Paul McCartney (18th June) – News will break this week that your ex-wife Heather Mills is dating another multi-millionaire, you should just be happy that she’s really landed on her foot. |
 | CANCER – Anthony Costa (23rd June) – This week will go from bad to worse on Wednesday, when even your own family forget who you are. Keep a copy of Blue’s debut album to hand as evidence. You’re in the photo, right? |
 | LEO – Monica Lewinsky (16th August) – Your luck will change on Friday, when after 14 long years, you finally get another famous person to jizz on your dress. |
 | VIRGO – Richard Gere (31st August) – Sure, you might not be in too many films these days, but there is cause for celebration when the local pet-shop makes Gerbils available at half-price. |
 | LIBRA – Anne Widdecombe (4th October) – Keep a friend close by on Tuesday, as you will fall down the stairs at Waitrose, but as you stumble and roll towards the floor everyone will think you’re merely rehearsing your Paso Doble. |
