by We look to the week ahead for the world’s celebrities, and ask, what do the stars have in hold for you?
 | SCORPIO – Demi Moore (11th November) – Be prepared to sacrifice another virgin by Wednesday afternoon, as you’ll be in danger of actually starting to resemble a woman of 48. |
 | SAGITTARIUS – Miley Cyrus (23rd November) – You turn 18 this week, but I’m sorry to tell you that your singing voice will not improve one iota just because you’re officially an adult. If anything, it’s a bit more embarrassing. |
 | CAPRICORN – Tiger Woods (30th December) – This is going to be a good week. A lapdancer on Monday, twin sisters on Wednesday and Playmate of the year 2008 on Friday. And you’re not even trying. |
 | AQUARIUS – Yoko Ono (18th February) – K-ching! The iTunes cheques will start arriving on Thursday. Man, marrying John Lennon was an excellent financial move, wasn’t it? |
 | PISCES – Rupert Mudoch (11th March) – You might want to make some plans for Wednesday afternoon, as the Devil will postpone your weekly conference call. Go easy on him, he’s doing his best to meet your impossibly high standards. |
 | ARIES – Elton John (25th March) – I know you don’t like the look of that Kate girl, but things could all change as this week she’s going to ask you to her Hen Do. Or have you killed, it’s a little unclear. |
 | TAURUS – David Beckham (2nd May) – This week will be full of sadness when you realise that tattoo on your back actually says ‘squeaky voiced moron’. |
 | GEMINI – Colin Farrell (31st May) – They say that Geminis have two sides to them, and that’s also true of you. Unfortunately, they are both truly odious. |
 | CANCER – Stuart Broad (24th June) – You know that burning sensation you get when you pee? Don’t worry, it’s not an infection, but merely the effects of a thousand Australian voodoo dolls. |
 | LEO – Madonna (16th August) – Your Movember account is going to get a big donation on Tuesday, when Bill Gates compliments you on your fine moustache. |
 | VIRGO – Charlie Sheen (3rd September) – Your three month period of not hitting any women will come to an end on Friday. A female runner will use full fat milk in your Latte. It’s her fault, you’ve told her more than once – though the judge will not see it that way. |
 | LIBRA – Snoop Dog (20th October) – Watch that MTV Cribs crew like a hawk. One of them will stumble into your sex dungeon, and then you’ll be forced into making strenuous denials that the Margaret Thatcher mask belongs to you. No-one will believe you. |
