by After an extremely lacklustre England display in the 2-1 defeat against France, manager Fabio Capello is considering letting Andy Carroll punch whoever he likes in preparation for future matches.
Carroll was warned as to his off-pitch behaviour in the build-up, with experts suggesting that his lack of night-club related violence might have limited his on-field impact.
England coach Stuart Pearce told reporters, “We tried asking him to behave in the build-up to the game, but quite honestly we might as well have had Emile Heskey up front.”
“Maybe he’s a bit like Samson, only with violence. If he can’t punch people, he can’t play. It’s probably a price worth paying, to be honest.”
“I know in my own playing days if I’d been able to kick seven shades of shite out of ordinary people during the week I’d have played like Roberto Carlos on a Saturday.”
England defeat
The comprehensive defeat has also raised the horrifying spectre of people being forced to admit just how important John Terry and Frank Lampard are to the national team.
England fan Tom Wilsden said, “I don’t get it. I was sure that a team without Frank Lampard would rule the world, but it seems that an Italian paid six million a year actually knows how to spot the least shit English players.”
“Knowing that the players at the World Cup are the least shit that we have available is a difficult realisation to reach. I could barely get out of bed this morning.”
“I think I’ll start supporting the England Cricket team instead. There’s never any disappointment with that lot.”
