Nuclear annihilation could have prevented James Blunt, admits James Blunt

author avatar by 13 years ago

James Blunt told yesterday of how his stubborn refusal to obey military orders prevented World War 3 and led to the continued existence of a horrific world in which several of his albums were allowed to flourish.

Blunt, whose revelations happen to coincide with the release of a new album, claims he had been given a direct order to seize an airfield guarded by Russian troops but decided against it when he realised that the acoustic guitar he was carrying might get damaged in the ensuing fracas.

“The US General, Wesley Clark, was using some quite provocative language,” said Blunt.

“Stuff like ‘Goddamn ruskies – destroy them all and ‘put your bloody guitar down you simpering muppet and do some goddamn fighting for once’.”

“Instantly I thought – how is having a forearm heavily perforated by bullet holes likely to affect my ability to play bar chords?”

However, Blunt took the view that the enemy could be placated by some folk-tinged acoustic ballads in the traditional verse-chorus-verse arrangement – with the Russians surrendering control of the airfield just fourteen seconds into his ‘performance’.

James Blunt World War 3

Any military attack against Russian forces would have been met with a hostile response leading to the deaths of six billion people in a nuclear holocaust, a full six years before Blunt went into the studio to record “You’re beautiful’.

In the ensuing nuclear winter, recording contracts would have been hard to come by with premium rates being charged for any studios that managed to withstand the initial blast and associated hurricane-force winds.

Andrew Cornall, Head of A&R at EMI said, “Blunt, like many other recording artists, would have found it difficult to prosper in such a challenging post-nuclear environment, his audience by then consisting solely of  an army of gigantic flesh-eating cockroaches.”

Music fan Tony Williams told us, “It’s a tough call, would I want to live in a world full of corpses and radioactive mutants – or one where he is about to release another album?  It’s a bit like Sophie’s Choice, isn’t it?”

“I think if he’d followed those orders, the biggest loss to human culture would have been the need to create a different rhyming slang for a front bottom.”