Despite police insisting that trouble makers during yesterday’s student protests were limited to a few dozen people, almost every tedious student in the country is already claiming that they were there, and that they ‘did their bit’.
Thoroughly unimpressive layabouts have spent the morning regaling student union bars with highly-implausible stories about things they didn’t do during a protest they never attended.
19 year-old Philosophy student William Douglas told friends, “That guy who threw the fire extinguisher off the roof? Yeah, I was right behind him, yeah. Just off camera, which is a shame as you can’t quite see me in frame.”
“I was just doing what anyone else would have done in the circumstances, obviously. It’s OK, you don’t need to worry about me, I Sky+’d Cash in the Attic.”
Another student who asked not to be named said, “I totally went mental on this one copper, repeatedly punching him in the face whilst shouting, ‘I will not pay more than three thousand pounds a year for my education!’. It was awesome, and I definitely did do all that. Totally.”
Experienced negotiators have expressed surprise at just how convincing the arguments made by the students have been, with one saying, “I don’t know why more people don’t throw chairs through windows, to be honest.”
“Nothing makes a compelling financial argument for the introduction of a fairer charging system quite like setting fire to something and waving it in a policeman’s face.”
“I think they might have done me out of a job.”