An investigation has been launched after a member of the Catholic church was filmed directing a stream of psychological threats and intimidation at an unsuspecting couple trying to get married.
A video emerged of the ceremony, which shows a couple being married in a midlands church, but instead of a blessing the couple were subjected to a barrage of abuse and coercion.
Newly-married Shaun Williams told reporters, “We were hoping for something simple, but then there was all this talk of Hell, and burning, and sin. I’ve got to be honest, I was terrified.”
“He then went on to talk about this bloke that was going to be part of our marriage forever, Jesus something, and how he would always be watching us. ALLways.”
“That’s just disturbing. I have to leave a light on at night now, and my wife can’t go to the toilet unless I keep watch a the door for any peeping Jesus’ that might be watching.”
“As for consummating the marriage, that’s a total no-no, we’re not pervert exhibitionists.”
“He finished off talking about this holy ghost character. GHOSTS for god’s sake! I am terrified of ghosts, so that was the absolute last thing I wanted to hear.”
The church has launched a formal investigation, saying they would like everyone’s wedding day to be a happy, memorable experience, as long as they are made aware that deviating from their doctrine will mean an eternity spent in fiery damnation.
“As far as we are concerned, a wedding day should be the best day of a couple’s young life, but you have to remember that it’s not all about them. It’s also about the bloke in the sky who’ll stop them burning in Hell when they die if he takes a shine to them.”
“Treat the ceremony like the safety briefing on a flight. Sure, you might not like hearing about what happens when the plane plummets earthwards, but we are obliged to tell you about it anyway.”
“So just quit the moaning and do as we say, okay?”