Home office statistics have revealed that police powers to stop and bully people have proven to be a huge success with a total of 101,248 people stopped and bullied in England, Wales and Scotland.
The police powers, which were introduced in an attempt to stop people leaving their houses, are being reviewed by the Liberal Democrat peer Lord Ken Macdonald, whose findings are due to be published shortly.
Since July, this year the rules have changed to ensure police are not allowed to stop and bully people unless they “reasonably suspect” them of being an easy target, a change which has led to a slight reduction in the number of official stop and bully incidents.
A police spokesperson explained, “People think this is an easy job, but it’s sometimes very difficult to know if someone is an easy target and we should therefore stop and bully them.”
“Sometimes we get it wrong, and they’re obviously not an easy target, at which point we do all that we can – we apologise and move on.”
Police stop and search figures
24 year-old Gary Nelson, whose walk makes him look slightly weedy and a bit dim, was stopped and bullied by three police officers just yards from his front door.
“I was on my way back from my mum’s house when I was approached by three police officers,” he recalled.
“They stopped me and two of them put their tongues underneath their bottom lips whilst making ‘numnumnumnum’ sounds and gesturing at me with limp-wristed hand waggles, while the other one repeatedly called me a Joey Deacon.”
“They then grabbed my bag and threw it around to each other before implying that I was a homosexual who would like to engage in anal sex with a man who was walking his dog on the other side of the road, and then also his dog.”
The Metropolitan police have hailed the figures as a “remarkable achievement” and have assured the public that they’ll be doing everything they can to intimidate anyone who they perceive as different in any way whatsoever.