England’s 2011 robot football world cup preparations are in disarray after several high-profile members of the playing squad found themselves embroiled in a series of sex scandals with ageing mechanical devices.
The tournament, in which robots play each other at football, is seen as an incredible feat of engineering in trying to find machines capable of behaving much like their human equivalents.
However the England team is already in chaos thanks to tabloid revelations involving star striker the Roonetron W3000, which is accused of paying a mobility scooter to carry out a sex act on him behind a night club in Southport.
Team manager Dr Subramanian Ramamoorthy, an assistant professor in the School of Informatics at Edinburgh University, has played down the alleged incident and insisted that the team is fully focused on the task ahead.
“Media attempts to unsettle the players prior to the tournament are not acceptable,” he insisted.
“The incident involving the Roonetron has nothing to do with what happens on the pitch, and that is what myself and the entire squad will be concentrating on.”
Robot World Cup
A researcher with the team explained the team’s current issues, telling us, “We tried to program them with a footballer’s brain, but unfortunately they now seem to think they are actual footballers. Which is making things a bit difficult.”
The team captain, the iFerdinandroid is likely to miss the entire tournament after officials said he missed a scheduled lubricant test just days before the competition began, claiming he ‘forgot about it’.
In addition, the Bridge-master XL has with drawn from the squad after the latest JT5000 model was caught trying to forcibly change the belt in his old Wag-o-matic vacuum cleaner, raising the spectre of a return to action for the now defunct Nevilleton ZX81.
Dr Ramamoorthy concluded, “On the bright side, at least we’ll have something to blame when we get knocked out on penalties by the German robots.”