As Hurricane Richard made landfall in Belize, Hurricanes everywhere have said people would take them more seriously if meteorologists started giving them more appropriate names, like Megatron, Napalm and Schwarzenegger.
Hurricane Richard is merely the latest in a long line of inappropriately named Hurricanes that sound more like guests at a middle-class dinner party than deadly storms.
As one storm expert explained, “Later this season we could have a Hurricane Paula, seriously. Sure, it might be capable of rampant monkey sex with an Aussie rock star, but it’s not the name for a storm that could kill thousands.”
“The most devastating Hurricane in living memory was called Katrina. KATRINA! Really? The most deadly hurricane in years should obviously have been called Hurricane Van Damme.”
The pro-Hurricane lobby have put together formal proposals for the reclassification of Hurricanes into groups that will finally mean something to non-weather experts.
Spokesperson Dwayne Williams told reporters, “We’ve spent months on this new scheme, so without further ado, I present the all new and improved Hurricane classification system.”
- Hurricane Simon Cowell – The most vile of storms, will pick up shit from around the country and blow it directly into your front room every weekend evening between eight and ten.
- Hurricane Katie Price – You don’t have to go looking for it, just stand around with a camera long enough and it will find you.
- Hurricane Financial Sector – Starts out nicely, helping you dry your clothes, then turns nasty and takes your house away.
- Hurricane Fritzl – A Hurricane that goes about its deadly business off the radar, with most of its damage done underground.
- Hurricane Rooney – Goes for the old people first, clean-up tends to cost at least £150,000 a week.
- Hurricane George Osborne – Has absolutely no idea what it’s doing, yet is immensely powerful. As a result is likely to cause misery for millions.
- Hurricane Daily Mail – Mainly full of hot air, will make a small number of ill-informed people disproportionately angry, but will be ignored by the majority who realise it’s completely harmless.
- Hurricane Benitez – Slow acting storm which takes several years to systematically destroy what might have taken decades to build, leaves behind a pile of crap before buggering off to somewhere much warmer.
- Hurricane Lib Dem – Dangerous storm likely to flip at a moment’s notice if it thinks it can become more powerful going in a different direction.