Rooney signs new contract as club promises to sign world-class prostitutes

author avatar by 14 years ago

Wayne Rooney has made a spectacular u-turn by agreeing a five-year contract extension at Manchester United, after the club agreed to invest heavily in bringing the world’s best prostitutes to Old Trafford.

The news follows days of uncertainty after Rooney publicly questioned the clubs ambition in ensuring only the best professionals were brought to the club for him to play with.

A Manchester United spokesperson explained, “We shared Wayne’s frustration at the quality of prostitutes in the Old Trafford area, but we have now made assurances that we will be looking to bring in the very best talent from Spain and Italy.”

“There’s also this young Dutch one we’ve been hearing rave reviews about, we’ll be keeping a close eye on her, let me tell you.”

“The future looks very bright indeed.  Or slightly dim with a red backlight, depending on how you look at it.”

NewsThump best selling notebooks

Wayne Rooney Contract

The move is likely to put to rest a tortuous few days in which most Mancunians returned to hating all scousers for the first time in nearly six years.

Fan Michael Jones told us, “It was nice, while it lasted, but I guess we all love him again now. Right? Yeah, I thought so.”

Rooney’s official speaking person spoke to reporters following the announcement, saying, “Wayne has always loved Manchester, but strongly believed there was a lack of ambition to bring the best professional sex workers to the club, especially those willing to do that thing he likes with the enema hose.”

“These concerns have been addressed by the management and chairman, and Wayne looks forward to the next five years of success both on and off the field, and hopes the fans will enjoy seeing the best quality prostitutes gracing the streets of Old Trafford for the next five years.”