The first of the rescued Chilean miners has been welcomed to the surface by a tearful agent holding a warm blanket and a watertight contract for exclusive commercial representation.
Crowds of eager commercial professionals have been gathering for several days in the hope of a heart-warming yet extremely lucrative end to the miners’ terrible ordeal.
One such agent, Marcus Goldberg told us, “What’s important now is that these miners get medical attention, are able to see their families, and that at least one of them grants me exclusive non-transferrable rights to look for a book deal on his behalf.”
“Like the rest of the world I watched in awe as they struggled to survive in such difficult conditions, whilst wondering just how much Oprah would pay to interview one of them.”
Another hopeful agent explained, “I’ve been here for three days holding a candlelight vigil in the hope of the safe return and legible signature of the photogenic one who is already garnering interest from a few television channels.”
“No, I really can’t say which ones.”
The race is now on between the newly appointed commercial representatives to have the first official memoir on the market, with first hardbacks expected in stores by four o’clock this afternoon.
Scriptwriter Aaron Williams said he’d been waiting for seven days to see the miners successful rescue, and to get some sort of official endorsement for his dramatisation which is already being discussed by executives at HBO.
The first miner to be rescued, Florencio Avalos, told reporters, “I just want to go home and have a warm bath before discussing in detail which white man I’d like to make rich as a result of my hellish ordeal.”
Mario Sepulveda, the second miner up, was slightly better prepared after signing an exclusive representation contract with the agent who clung to his leg to moment he appeared from the mine.
After a brief chat with his new advisor he told the gathering press, “All I could think about down there was getting back to my family, oh, and trying Burger King’s new Texican Whopper priced just £1.99 and available at your nearest friendly restaurant today.”