In a shock tantrum today, Australia’s almost but not quite Prime Minister Tony Abbot, announced that Australia’s actual but not really Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, was a bastard.
The outburst came after both ministers visited Australian troops currently serving in Afghanistan, on trips that were independent, yet almost at the same time.
Tony Abbot was overheard telling an aide, “She totally knew I had plans to go out there with a film crew and my publicist, but the bloody bastard went a week before me.”
“I informed her out of courtesy that I was going to capitalise on honest Australian diggers, but she bloody took advantage.”
When asked if the Prime Minister had offered him the chance to take the trip alongside her, Tony Abbot conceded that she had but said “The bloody bastard knew I couldn’t go that weekend, she set me up and then told everyone I couldn’t go because I had a headache or was tired or something – the bastard.”
Australian Prime Minister
An inside source said, “He really cracked the shits mate. By the time we got there all the Anzac biscuits had gone and all the troops could talk about was the visit from the real Prime Minister the week before.”
A spokesperson for the Tony Abbot shadow government told reporters, “It really is outrageous that a Prime Minister can capitalize on the well intentioned sharing of knowledge from the opposition.”
“She knows damn well that he needs to convince the Australian public that he has a pair. How the hell can he achieve that if she rushes into a secured area in a bullet proof tank surrounded by the SAS before he has a chance to?”
“She is a total Bastard.”
Former Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, who was accidentally removed from office by his then deputy Julia Gillard, was unavailable for comment.
Mr Rudd is currently performing in the castrato role for Madam Butterfly at the Sydney Opera House. All proceeds go to the Labour Party.