UK business found moping in bedroom with Smiths albums

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The government has urged UK firms to “snap out of it” after it was revealed that confidence and optimism amongst UK business has fallen to its lowest level since the depths of the recession.

The indecipherable Business Trends Optimism Index from the accountants BDO fell to a low of 91.6 last month, from 93.1 in August.

Peter Hemmington, partner at BDO, said  “UK business is currently in its bedroom with the curtains drawn listening to the entire  Smiths back catalogue.”

“They’re currently listening to Hatful of Hollow, but they’ve got Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want, on repeat so it could be a long night.”

“To be honest we think that the economy could stop growing early next year, and begin to contract between April and June, so it’s entirely possible that we could be looking at UK businesses moving on to Morrissey’s solo work shortly after Christmas.”

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“If that happens then it could be a long time before they see any daylight whatsoever.”

UK Business Confidence

A government spokesperson has urged UK business to pull itself together and stop wallowing in self-pity.

Speaking to reporters a Treasury analyst said, “UK business had better snap out of this pretty soon!”

“Shuffling about its room in its pyjamas and planning what music it will play at its funeral is not going to do the economy any favours.”

“Now draw those bloody curtains and go for a brisk walk or something.”

UK business has said it will issue a full statement in the form of angsty poetry expressing their view that life is so unfair, just as soon as the government stops shouting at it and at least tries to understand how it feels.

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