Michael Fish to present daily terrorism forecast

author avatar by 14 years ago

As travellers were warned about the high risk of terror activity in Europe, Michael Fish has been asked to present the terrorism forecast in the hope of calming UK residents now afraid to leave the house.

Fish will present the terrorism forecast just after the news, and just before some new upstart tells you how much rain there is going to be tomorrow.

Presenting his first forecast, Fish told viewers, “We’re expecting a moderate chance of chemical attack in Northern France, with scattered explosions likely throughout Spain.”

“Over here we can see a dangerous extremist front coming in from the East, so you might want to think about heading to any densely populated areas in the coming weeks.”

“Finally. here in the the UK we can see there is also an increased chance of random bombings from an area of significant nationalist pressure coming across from Ireland.”

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Terror Forecast

Government officials explained the move, claiming it was necessary to combat the screaming hysteria seen in most tabloid newspapers.

A spokesperson said, “We figured that rather than letting the people who’s job it is to terrify you explain the risks, we’d do it ourselves using a familiar face like Michael’s.”

“We decided it was necessary after the last terrorism story in the Daily Mail, which consisted of the headline “ARRRGGHHHH!” and seven paragraphs of random guttural noises alongside a picture of Osama Bin Laden.”

“If it was their job to report to weather, their headline would read – ‘CONTAMINATED WATER TO SPEND DAY FALLING FROM THE SKY – and if some gets in your mouth you might get poisoned!’.”

“So yes, we do see it as a completely necessary step.”