Soft drinks company Coca Cola, who have been linked to slave labour and the murder of trade union leaders, have dropped Wayne Rooney from their advertising campaigns after a recent admission that he’s ‘only a human being’ was considered inappropriate for their brand identity.
Coca-Cola, who have previously faced accusations of racial discrimination and exploitative labour practices, said that they wanted someone who can better represent what they stand for, and not someone who is capable of displaying ‘real human emotions like remorse’.
“Coca Cola prides itself on not really giving a shit about anything other than making money,” revealed a Coca-Cola Spokesperson.
“Wayne did a great job of representing this ethic during the World Cup, and with the recent revelations about his private life, but unfortunately he went and ruined it all by claiming in a recent interview that he’s a human being who does human things and has human feelings.”
“Frankly, if we wanted a human being, we’d have picked a much better looking one.”
Wayne Rooney Coke
Coca-Cola have not closed the door on working with Rooney in the future, but have made it clear that he will need to start behaving in ways that better reflect what Coca Cola stands for.
The spokesperson continued, “We’ve told Wayne that if he can turn things around by behaving in a manner more befitting one of our brand ambassadors, then we’ll reconsider the situation.”
Reports of Rooney roaming around Manchester punching the teeth out of children’s mouths and poisoning people with pesticides are yet to be confirmed.