X Factor contestants to be grouped by emotional disability

author avatar by 14 years ago

In a break from tradition, producers of this year’s X Factor will not group contestants by age, sex or number of performers. but by the type and severity of the emotional baggage they have brought to the show.

The move comes as viewers finally started to see the programme not as a talent show, but as a vehicle for emotionally fragile attention seekers who are happy to make Simon Cowell richer.

A show insider said, “Grouping them by emotional baggage ensures the show’s judges can practise the appropriate response to they can convincingly fake a believable reaction to a sob story.”

“By the third or fourth story about a lost grandparent who’s dream it was to see them sing, or how they’ve worked two jobs to raise their baby all alone, the judges should be pretty much able to nail the single tear on the cheek.”

“It takes the guess work out of it, and let’s be honest, we’re all about making it easier for Simon Cowell to make money.”

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As the judges were assigned their specific groups, there were rumours that some were unhappy with how the groups had been divided.

The show insider explained, “Cheryl really wanted the ‘recently bereaved’ group, but instead she has been left with ‘single parents’ because Simon seemed to think she would relate to people who had unreliable life partners.”

“Louis desperately wanted the group we’re referring to as those in the ‘last chance saloon’, and he’s got them, he’ll be delighted with that.”

“Poor old Dannii has been given the ‘normals’ – those contestants with a proper job, from a loving family background, and with all grandparents still alive.”

“She’s got no chance.”