by For the first time in many, many years the Ryder Cup singles are being played on a Monday, and as a news outlet committed to bringing you the latest from the sporting world, we will be providing you with text updates throughout the day.
As always, the latest news will appear at the top, so if you want to start at the beginning, you’ll need to go to the end. Yes, we know how that sounds.
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15:22 – They think it’s all over! And that’s because it is! Europe win the Ryder Cup 14 1/2 to 13 1/2, and the US team will have to console themselves with the twenty-odd Welsh strumpets Tiger has lined up for them back at the hotel. As runner-up prizes go, a dose of the clap must be right up there.
15:09 – Oh the drama! This is edge of the seat stuff! Tiger Woods is on the verge of getting his eighth phone number of the day. This is why he’s the world’s number one. Phenomenal performance.
14:45 – Europe are doing their best to throw it away. Graham McDowell is starting to play like someone just told him Tiger Woods is sat next to his missus. Oh hang on, Tiger Woods IS sat next to his missus. Nice move USA…
13:30 – After captain Cory Pavin promised him a different prostitute for every shot he made under par, Tiger Woods has gone five under in just the last four holes. The working ladies of Newport have a tough night ahead of them, that’s for sure. Pavin might want to visit a cash point.
13:24 – There are a few Pakistani bookmakers with their heads in the hands after accepting all those bets that Rory McIlroy would take two shots in the bunker on the 18th. The cheeky scamp still gets a half.
12:48 – 
First blood USA, as Steve Stricker beats Lee Westwood 3&2. And to think many people ridiculed his tactic of smearing himself in kebab juice on the 7th hole. Westwood has been in absolute pieces since then.
11:52 – Colin Montgomerie returns to the course after being missing for an hour. It appears there was a DNA test on Trisha this morning, and he had no intention of missing it. Sergio Garcia tries to give him a score update, but all he can talk about is the fact that apparently they were brother and sister. Shocking stuff there.
11:47 – In case you were wondering, Europe are up in 8, down in 4 matches. In addition, Lee Westwood has had four birdies, three pasties, two pies and a kebab.
11:35 – Bubba Watson finally chooses to take a shot from the water after deciding that Miguel Angel Jiminez’s claims of giant Welsh crocodiles were probably bullshit. He does look terrified taking it though. Especially with Jimi making snapping noises in the background.
11:00 – Ian Poulter has been sporting an erection for three holes now. There’s only so long you can pretend not to see it. That boy is really excited.
10:30 – Tiger Woods has just complained to the match referee claiming that the holes have been cut to look like particularly enticing vaginas. He reckons that everywhere he looks, all he sees is vaginas, and that the European team put them there.
10:25 – Reader Damon Green emails, “Dear God – is this still going on?” – Yes Damon, it is. Good, isn’t it?
10:20 – Professor Stephen Hawking has just shaken his head for the first time in twenty-three years after watching Jim Furyk’s swing, and how close he put it to the hole. “This changes everything” his computer tells us.
10:00 – 
Basil Fawlty via Text – “We started it? No, you did Martin Kaymer, you invaded Poland! Ha! It’s a joke about the Germans and the war! Ha!”
09:50 – German Martin Kaymer leaves the tee to applause from the gallery and begins an ill-advised impromptu goose-step. No-one really knows where to look. I’m guessing Martin won’t be starting a career in comedy any time soon. “You started it!” he shouts at the silent spectators.
09:25 – Meanwhile on the range, someone has swapped one of Tiger Woods‘ practise balls for one of those exploding joke ones, and he looks like someone has thrown talcum powder at him. It looks funny, but we can’t help think it’s a little bit racist. Naughty Ian Poulter.
09:10 – News from the clubhouse. Ian Poulter and Matt Kuchar are playing paper scissors stone to see who will tee of first. They’re now up to best of 79. Oh, Poulter loses, best of 81 it is.
09:05 – Lee Westwood comes to the tee and is greeted by the sort of warm welcome he normally only gets when visiting a branch of Greggs. And we’re off…
08:50 – Monty is going round the club room growling at everyone. We thought it was a motivation thing, but apparently some has stolen his tamagotchi. Our money is on one of Molinari boys, who after yesterday’s half seem to think they’re Jimmy Carr.
