New driving test rules have introduced a twenty minute period in which the instructor offers no directions or instruction, ensuring the average test will last four hours as candidates desperately attempt to find their way back to the test centre.
The move comes in an attempt to make the test replicate the situations facing newly qualified drivers, though authorities have stopped short of introducing the ‘loud stereo and five mates on the back seat’ rule.
An examiners association spokesperson explained, “We felt it was impractical to ask all learners to bring sufficient friends to accurately replicate the type of driving they will do just minutes after passing their test.”
“Instead, we will try to imitate the situation by egging them on to drive faster, and to rev their 1.2 litre engine until it squeals.”
“But we decided against the deafening stereo because if we let them turn it right up – like they all do – then they won’t be able to hear the few instructions we’re still allowed to give them.”
Learner drivers have expressed a distinct lack of concern over the changes, insisting it will help them pass.
17 year-old Emily Regis said, “I don’t expect this to be a problem. I don’t like turning right so I’ll probably just drive round and round the test centre for twenty minutes.”
18 year-old Dave Williams said, “I’ll be fine. The car I’m learning in literally pisses oil all over the road, so I’ll just follow it back to the centre like a modern day Hansel and Gretel.”
Instrucors have expressed fears about being lost in the wild with emotionally fragile teenagers, but have been reassured by the nation’s test centres who told us, “We’re giving every instructor a twenty pounds per diem for the petrol they will need after driving round aimlessly for the third hour.”
“That, plus some basic survival training, and they’ll be just fine.”