The 2010 Ryder Cup begins today with two groups of millionaire golfers from slightly different geographic regions facing each other for the honour of winning a trophy commissioned by a self-made seed seller.
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17:22 – All four matches underway, and yet again Tiger Woods has forgotten to go to the toilet. He thought he’d found a quiet tree to have a wee behind, but then he noticed the eight thousand spectators looking directly at him. Apparently he can’t go when eight thousand people are watching.
16:35 – We’ll be back on course in 30 minutes, apparently. Padraig Harrington has begun his warm up, which essentially consists of twenty minutes of growling at himself in the mirror. Starting with small creatures, building up to the big ones and ending with the T-Rex. He’s just done the Labrador.
14:49 – There is a man sat in the corner from the Welsh Tourist board, and he’s been crying now for nearly three hours. He’s actually trying to speak to someone, but he’s doing that thing where you’re so upset you take a shallow breath between every syllable. The big Jessie. So none of the millions of global viewers will ever want to go on holiday to Wales. Big deal – they weren’t coming anyway.
Reader Damon Green via Facebook, “I love the way Colin Montgomerie’s slacks cling to his buttocks in the rain. It’s so erotic, like watching a bag of topsoil burst in slow motion.” Yes Damon, we agree, it is.
14:27 – It’s getting dull here, but still the players are still entertaining themselves. Ian Poulter found Tiger Woods‘ mobile unattended and changed his ex’s mobile number to his own. He’s been texting as ‘Elin’ for the last twenty minutes and Tiger looks on the verge of tears. Oh, hang on, he’s just sent one saying, “Sorry to tell you like this, but I’ve been seeing your fourball partner Steve Stricker, and the kids are already calling him Daddy.”
13:05 – Europe’s Martin Kaymer tells reporters than some of the team are keeping occupied in the team room by playing Tiger Woods 2011 on the Playstation, and that Luke Donald is playing with himself. The dirty bugger. If you absolutely insist on having a cheeky tug, then at least do it in your own room, or hidden in the bushes like the Molinari brothers.
12:02 – Apparently the US teams waterproofs have failed, and they’ve been to buy some new stuff in the pro shop. The senior members of the team are insisting rookie Ricky Fowler wears some nice pink ladies gear. The European team have nicknamed Colin Montgomerie ‘Super Dry’ – he thinks it’s because he picked decent waterproofs and is calm under pressure. It’s not, it’s because of the effect he has on vaginas.
10:33 – Play has now been stopped for forty-five minutes, and Lee Westwood has spent forty-two of those minutes in trap three of the European team’s locker room toilets. He’s just asked for two more newspapers. Suddenly that breakfast burrito doesn’t seem like such a good idea, eh Lee?
09:44 – PLAY SUSPENDED – It would be helpful if the religious among you could ask God what he’s got against golf? He’s making it piss down. Or is it a Wales thing? Oh, it’s that Charlotte Church woman isn’t it? I bet God hates her.
09:10 – Putts flying in every where and Tiger Woods is telling anyone who’ll listen that he needs a wee. Captain Cory Pavin says it’s tough luck and he should have gone before he left the hotel. Ian Poulter is busy making piss noises in the background.
08:55 – Padraig Harrington gives the group in front a little hurry up by firing his approach to the first through the green whilst they’re still putting out. Any other course in the world and that leads a barrage of ‘fucks’ heading his way. Not here.
08:26 – Europe win a hole! With a PAR from Graham McDowell! Golfers around the world start thinking, “I could definitely do that. Easily.”
08:15 – Tiger Woods is on the tee having picked up the phone numbers of the two breakfast waitresses in the hotel. He looks happy, and well he should be, one of them is very fit indeed.
08:04 – Northern Irish pair of Rory McIlroy and Graham McDowell are slightly late to the tee after finishing a quote to tarmac the Celtic Manor drive. So far only 25% of US players have his the first fairway. Yes – we’re giving you STATS!
07:45 – The first group are on the tee! It is absolutely pissing down, and fifty thousand competitors are wondering why we don’t hold his event in Spain. Nice for Martin Kaymer, that’s the biggest cheers a German has ever got since Michael Schumacher trod in a dog turd at Silverstone this year.
07:30 – There are players on the driving range. Ian Poulter is making fart noises at the top of Tiger Woods‘ backswing. It is literally the joke that never gets old.
07:20 – It appears that Colin Montgomerie has overslept. He just came running through the hotel lobby looking like he slept in his car. It is possible he slept in his car.
07:15 – Someone has hidden Lee Westwood’s putter. He is walking around holding a knife threatening to cut the person responsible. Ian Poulter is looking very shifty in the corner.