David Miliband steps back to spend more time with dastardly revenge plot

author avatar by 14 years ago

David Miliband has said he will no longer be involved in front-line politics, and that he intends to spend more time on the dastardly revenge plot against those who conspired to keep him from becoming Labour leader.

Miliband said that this was the right move for him, his family, and his ability to exact proper revenge on those who have wronged him in the past.

He told reporters, “I’m sure Ed would have given me a job in the shadow cabinet. Yeah, he would have really liked that, wouldn’t he? I can hear him now, ‘Yes David, technically I AM the boss of you’.”

“No, I think it best I step back and put my energies into fully serving my constituents, whilst simultaneously working on a cunning plan to ruin the lives of everyone who didn’t vote for me in the leadership election.”

“You haven’t seen the last of me.  Oh no. Mwaahahaha.”

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Backbench Miliband

Political commentators have said that a move to the back benches makes perfect sense for a man so intent on destroying his enemies via a series of nefarious plots that even the makers of Ocean’s 11 would dismiss as being completely unbelievable.

One Whitehall insider told us, “This is like the turning point in the Star Wars saga, where the evil overlord might have been a goodie for many years, but then flipped to the dark side because the bloody unions backed his brother’s leadership bid instead.”

“He’s already boarded up the windows to his garden shed and had an industrial laser delivered yesterday morning. It’s looking ominous.”

“Sure, on the outside he might look happy with the current situation in the Labour party, but you just know that deep down the simmering resentment is turning him into some sort of super-villain – a ‘Tony Blair’ character if you will.”

“I suppose we should make some sort of effort to stop him, but if I’m honest I’m actually kind of interested to see how this all plays out.”

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