‘Stonehenge boy’ probably killed by early Daily Mail readers

author avatar by 14 years ago

After tests revealed that the remains found at Stonehenge belonged to a teenager from one of those countries where they are are slightly browner than us, suspicion for his death has been aimed at early Daily Mail readers.

The bones belong to a teenager who died 3,550 years ago and who was raised around the Meditteranean, most likely with skin dark enough to raise suspicion in most people of below average intelligence.

Archaeology expert William Morris told reporters, “There has always been a Daily Mail, maybe not in name, but in its position in society and ability to stir up panic about essentially harmless issues among the mentally weak.”

“There was almost certainly a stone tablet warning locals that these foreigners were coming over here, stealing our jobs, bringing with them the Goat AIDS, or something.”

“It would have cost the equivalent of about 40p a day to read it, and for some entirely unfeasible reason, the morons of the day would hang on every word.”

NewsThump best selling notebooks

Stonehenge Boy

Morris went on to suggest that understanding that the boy was not of these shores almost certainly gives us a strong clue as to his eventual demise.

He continued, “Three thousand years ago Daily Mail readers were not bound by the social conventions they find so constricting today, like not killing people they’re a little bit scared of for no good reason whatsoever.”

“In all likelihood they would have chased this boy across the moors with burning torches and copies of whatever the Daily Mail was at this point, before beating him to death and burying him in a hole before they could catch something ‘forrin’.”

“We’ve come a long way as a society.  Sort of.”

NewsThump best selling notebooks