New Emile Heskey cyborg a complete success, claims Houllier

author avatar by 14 years ago

After it scored its second crucial goal in just four days, new Aston Villa manager Gerard Houllier has declared his Emile Heskey cyborg experiment a complete success.

The Heskey cyborg has scored twice in its last two games, a cracking left foot drive against Blackburn and a magnificent late header against Wolves, and has also had a hand in the team’s other goals.

Houllier said after the game, “I am truly delighted that the experiment of starting with the Heskey cyborg has worked so well.”

“Sure, I was nervous this experiment would end in a disaster, which is why we chose Emile, because if it kept falling over and missing the target then no-one would have noticed we were trying something a bit different.”

“But this particular model seems to be quite clinical in front of goal and is completely unrecognisable from the real Emile Heskey – apart from looking like him in every single way possible.”

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The success of the Heskey model has led to speculation that other teams are already looking to develop their own model.

Houllier continued, “I can understand why they’d try it.  I mean what Spurs fan wouldn’t want an Aaron Lennon model that didn’t continually deliver disappointing crosses?”

“And I’m sure Arsenal would like a goal keeper that was capable of catching the odd ball or making the odd save.”

Villa fans have been told not to worry about the real Emile Heskey, with the club explaining that he is being kept in completely humane circumstances at the club’s training ground.

A club spokesperson said, “We haven’t told him about the cyborg – we just said he’d taken a knock to the head during the game and has therefore forgotten the part he played.”

“He’s delighted he’s doing so well and is now wondering if international retirement was a a little premature.  Bless.”

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