Southern Railway trains are to be filled with urine drenched commuters after it announced its latest fleet will not be fitted with toilet facilities.
The move comes after the firm claimed journeys wouldn’t be all that long, and the toilets would never be used due to the fact that trains are never, ever delayed or late.
Despite criticism, the firm has claimed there are steps commuters can take to prevent the need for non-existent toilet facilities.
A spokesperson said, “All stations will be fitted with adult nappy dispensers, so if you think you might be caught short, pop a nappy on before you board.”
“There really is no need for any commuter to feel uncomfortable when soiling themselves on one of our trains.”
Passenger organisations have said this is further evidence that Michael O’Leary’s influence is now reaching transport on the ground, and not just on hideous Ryanair winged sky tubes.
Anthony Smith, chief executive of Passenger Focus, said, “Bladder control among mid-level executives who need two cups of coffee just to get out of bed is extremely low, so we’re expecting carriages to reek of piss by approximately 7:15 every morning.”
“Rush hour commuting is just about the most unpleasant experience known to man. But somehow Southern Trains have made the whole ordeal even more deeply abhorrent.”
Commuter Dave Williams said, “Look, my first bowel movement comes at 7:35 every morning, regular as clockwork, whether I’m sat on the toilet, or stood next to a man doing the Times crossword.”
“The worst part is that on a packed train there’s barely going to be room to bend over and wipe. Which is extremely unhygienic.”