A Vatican spokesperson has announced that boy band JLS have been added as a support act to the Pope’s UK tour in the hope of selling the thousands of unsold £25 tickets.
Sales for the Pontiff’s events have been underwhelming to this point, with today’s discerning consumers expecting more than a lecture by a man in a pointy hat for their £25.
Lapsed Catholic Diedre Williams told us, “I was considering going to see him, but if I really wanted to be told everything in my life is sinful by someone in a dress, I’d have lunch with my mother.”
Another potential Pope fan said, “I went to see U2 last year, and though Bono is a bit of an arsehole, at least he put on a bit of a show for the ticket price. The Pope doesn’t appear to making even the slightest effort.”
“Where are the laser shows, the pyrotechnics? Surely they aren’t expecting me to pay £25 to watch an old man tell me from a lectern that all the gays are evil, are they?”
A Vatican spokesperson explained that the audience for a JLS gig is almost identical to that expected at this year’s Papal events.
“They’re both entirely delusional, with little more than a tenuous grasp of reality, and remain completely convinced that the person on the stage is some sort of super-being.”
“And with the right persuasion you can easily convince them that condoms are a very bad idea.”