‘Miracle’ qualification criteria hits all-time low as God fixes bad back

author avatar by 14 years ago

God has announced a move into the more mundane world of miracles by fixing the bad back of a man training to be a catholic deacon, rather than something a bit more ‘showy’ like feeding the world’s starving children.

Deacon Jack Sullivan had just completed the second year of a four-year course to become a deacon when he was struck by crippling back pain in 2000, and after an operation to cure the complaint was pain free just 12 hours after surgery, instead of the normal 48 hours.

Sullivan told reporters, “I prayed to God and to 19th Century Cardinal John Henry Newman for relief from my pain, and do you know what, relief was granted.”

“Sure, the doctors gave me pain medication following surgery – a surgery from which most patients walk away pain free in less than two days – but this was clearly the hand of God and anyone who says different is clearly an idiot.”

“God moves in mysterious ways, and if those ways appear to be completely mundane to the non-believer, then so be it.  If he ended the suffering of innocent children everywhere there would be no need for faith, would there. Idiot.”

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A spokesperson from the Vatican, who have approved the beatification of Cardinal John Henry Newman after an eight year investigation into the miraculous cure of Sullivan’s back injury just 12 hours after he was operated on, have said this begins a new chapter in divine miracles.

“Gone are the days when He would help a humble carpenter feed five thousand, or part the seas for one of his followers.  He obviously doesn’t like to draw attention to Himself like that. It’s probably because of Youtube and Twitter.”

“He would much prefer to perform miracles which could easily be explained by modern medicine or things like the placebo effect. That’s what a real modern miracle is made of.”

“Yes, of course he could end famine and earthquakes and tsunamis and floods, and all those other bad things, but right now we’d rather not ask those questions and would prefer to focus on celebrating Him fixing a bad back which had just been fixed by a surgeon.”

“Now, would you like to make a donation?”

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