Criminals everywhere have hit back at the government’s victims’ commissioner after she criticised the use of community service, insisting that watching a performance by former X Factor contestant Chico is one of the most traumatic experiences of their young lives.
The victims’ commissioner, Louise Casey described footage of those sentenced to community service as “disgraceful” and “like a holiday camp,” however convicted criminals have insisted it is nothing of the sort.
Pete Dawson, 25, who recently completed his own period of community service said, “Have you ever sat through a Bobby Davro Gig? What exactly do you think it’s like being made to singalong to a set by Same Difference?”
“You might call it a holiday camp, but I prefer to think of it as cruel and unusual punishment. It’s certainly the strongest deterrent against re-offending that I’ve ever experienced.”
“Seriously, I had to sit down after with a cup of tea and a big fat spliff just to steady my nerves. I’m going straight, definitely.” He concluded.
The victims’ commissioner continued, “The footage that I saw was outrageous. It’s completely unfair that criminals are taking part in balloon modelling, giant snakes and ladders and entertainment from versatile performers like Bobby Davro and former X Factor contestants, while the victims of crime are forced to pay good money for such things.”
However, not all criminals receive such exciting community service assignments, with 24 year old Ryan Williams telling us, “I was convicted of a minor racially aggravated assault, and given 100 hours community service at the local old people’s home.”
“It was truly horrific. Some of their opinions made me feel sick. I swear I’ll never utter another racist word as long as I live.”