The International Cricket Council has moved swiftly to reassure fans of watching men stand around doing little to nothing for long periods of time, that the sport will continue to be excruciatingly dull, despite recent media attempts to make it sound a little bit interesting.
The News of the World, an excellent source of protection for your crockery when you move house, claimed that Pakistani players were secretly paid to bowl no-balls so gambling syndicates could bet on them and make money.
An ICC spokesperson said, “We would like to take this opportunity to reassure all fans of test cricket that the sport will continue to be a long tedious drawn out affair that will allow people to read a book or take a nap completely undisturbed.”
“We recognise that the long form of the game, which can last five days and still end in a draw, is the ultimate test of any seasoned spectator, and we are doing everything in our power not to introduce any incidental excitement that might make the experience any more bearable.”
“We also anticipate that if play is stopped due to bad light that it will probably still take in the region of 45 minutes before anyone actually notices.”
Members of the public and general sports fans have been critical of the alleged betting scam, and have wasted no time in making their feelings clear.
“Even their scandals are boring,” blasted one sports fan when reading about the incident.
“In football you get sex, drugs, murder, hit and runs, stabbings, even Columbian drug cartels assassinating players.”
“What do you get in cricket? Pre-planned no-balls and Graeme Swann trying to rescue his cat from under the floorboards when he’s a bit tipsy.”
“Cricket really needs to get its act together or I’m going to lose interest altogether.”