by Newly-divorced Tiger Woods has been inundated with millions of applications to be his wingman from men desperate to pick up one or two of the many, many vaginas to be thrown in his general direction.
After announcing his divorce from Elin Nordegren yesterday, Woods is said to be undertaking a special training regime in order to handle the thousands of tonnes of vagina eagerly headed his way.
A source close to the newly-single billionaire sportsman said, “Consider this pre-season. He is going to be dealing with an awful lot of vaginas in the coming weeks and months, so he needs to break himself back in gently, and he’s going to need help.”
“He’ll be limited to no more than four waitresses a night, and no more than two if they also ‘dance’ part time for extra pocket money.”
One wingman applicant, 27 year-old Dave Williams of Stoke said, “I put my CV in this morning. I’m happy to pick up the many phone numbers thrown his way, help him with target acquisition, and even keep the ‘bubbly’ one talking whilst he takes care of business.”
“I’ve got several years of experience, and I’ll work for free just for the chance of picking up a few scraps.”
Tiger Woods
In order to facilitate the efficient management of surplus vaginas, Woods’ management team are launching GiveTigerYourNumber.com, a dating site on which women will apply to spend time with Tiger Woods.
Users will be given the option to upload a photo and also to give some made-up reason why they want to be with Tiger Woods that doesn’t include the phrase, “millions and millions of dollars.”
A spokesman for Woods explained, “We expect the website to do most of the heavy lifting, but we’ll still need a team of wingmen to look after the day-to-day vaginas.”
“If you think that sounds like you, send in an application,” he concluded, pointing at every man alive.
