The government has announced a change to its benefits policy which means benefits will only be paid to the addicts of government approved narcotics from which it derives substantial tax revenue, such as alcohol and tobacco.
The move will see benefits withdrawn from drug addicts who have the temerity to become addicted to narcotics that are not state-sanctioned such as Cocaine, Heroin, and the other one.
A government spokesperson explained, “We want to ensure that if we are to give money to an addict, that they’re going to spend it on something that will ultimately bring all that money back to us.”
“If we give that money to a Heroin addict then we never see that cash ever again – which is simply unacceptable in such times of austerity.”
“It’s much better that people get addicted to drugs from which we derive enough revenue to prevent a rise in income tax, ensuring everyone is happy and therefore keeps voting for us.”
The news has left many drug addicts unhappy, claiming they will have to resort to crime, violence or even moving to Albert Square in order to get a fix.
One addict explained, “Yes, I might do a bit of crack like that Phil Mitchell, but I also drink and smoke, so maybe we can come to some sort of arrangement where I get just enough benefit to keep me in fags and booze?”
“No-one ever explains to you that doing drugs that the government can’t tax has such a downside. You only ever hear about the good stuff.”
“So listen kids, to someone who knows what they’re talking about – don’t do drugs that the government doesn’t get a cut of, it’s just not worth it.”