Clampers forced to return to previous lives of kidnap and extortion

author avatar by 14 years ago

As the government moved to ban the clamping of vehicles on private land, wheel clampers everywhere have said this will force them to return to their previous careers as kidnappers and extortionists.

Minister Lynne Featherstone said some firms operated a “sort of entrapment”, and suggested they should just go back to doing it without the thin veil of legitimacy offered by current clamping legislation.

However, clamping firms have reacted angrily, claiming that they have been singled out just because the service they offer is despised by everyone who has ever come into contact with it, and offers no public good whatsoever.

One experienced clamper told us, “I love my job.  Move in, extract, demand fee, apply menaces – it’s what I’m good at.”

“I’d done it for years in the extortion market, and this is much the same, except we have a few more forms to fill in now.  I still get that thrill of the capture though, there’s nothing quite like it.”

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“I’d just about got used to doing this kind of thing in the open, and now I’ll have to go back to doing it wearing a mask and mostly under the cover of darkness.  It’s so unfair.”

Wheel clamping

The Association of Wheel Clampers issued a statement from its headquarters in a dimly lit east-end pub, saying that they believe this is a terrible decision, and removes one of the few career choices available for people whose neck is thicker than their head.

A spokesperson growled, “You’re left with bouncer or private security guard, which though lucrative, rarely offer a perfectly legal opportunity to make a woman cry in the street.”

“Wheel clamping was one of the few legitimate careers that the criminal fraternity didn’t look down their noses at.  You could go ‘straight’ and move into clamping without the fear of being mocked by other criminals who understood is was essentially a criminal operation, but now what?”