The NHS in England faces a £65bn mortgage for new hospitals built under the private finance initiative, forcing senior health officials to admit the organisation will be looking for a second job in order to make ends meet.
The ‘mortgage’ has been taken out over 30 years, with payments rising to £2.3bn per annum by 2030, ensuring the NHS will need to find income from secondary employment as a matter of urgency.
A senior official said, “We’re not proud. Times are tough, and if we have to take on a second job to meet our repayments, then we’ll do it.”
“The good news is that the NHS is well-qualified, with significant experience, and many, many positive references. So we don’t expect it to be working behind a bar for minimum wage.”
“We were thinking maybe the late shift in a call-centre somewhere? Maybe for a bank, or one of those utilities companies that seems to have thousands of people answering phones?”
The public has reacted positively to the news that the NHS is taking steps to address its mortgage, rather than the traditional approach of cutting services or raising taxes.
NHS user James August told us, “When I couldn’t pay my mortgage, charging people more money for the services I provide wasn’t an option, nor was chopping off bits of the building I no longer wanted.”
“I had to get another job. I’m glad they see it this way too.”
An NHS spokesperson explained “We considered one of those ‘pay day’ loan companies you see on TV these days, the ones with APR rates in the thousands, but then we realised we’re desperate, not simpletons.”
“Anyone who’s not a moron knows that adverts offering instant money to people sat at home watching daytime television are most certainly too good to be true.”
“As a last resort we’ve made a sign which reads, ‘Will create needless bureaucracy for food’, and we’ll send the NHS on the streets with it if we have to.”