Following the shock resignation of Martin O’Neill, Aston Villa have begun the laborious task of finding a new manager who doesn’t have a clue who Emile Heskey is.
O’Neill is said to have resigned after billionaire owner Randy Lerner refused to give tens of millions of his pounds to more players like Marlon Harewood, Nicky Shorey and Steve Sidwell.
However, his departure so close to the opening fixture has left Villa just days to find a suitable new manager before the new season kicks off.
A club insider said, “The task has been made all the more difficult by Emile Heskey’s decision to retire from international scapegoating in order to concentrate on his career with Aston Villa.”
“We’re going to need someone who has no idea what this means for the day-to-day running of Aston Villa football club and that they will be working with Emile every. Single. Day.”
“Emile has a contract, so he’ll have to stay, unless we can find a manager who’d want to buy him, which is as likely as finding a manager who doesn’t know who he is – do you see our problem?”
“We’re after someone who has seen very little premier league football over the last ten years, and preferably none of the England games at the last World Cup. That bloke who led North Korea to the finals looked quite good, what was his name?”
Villa have put together a comprehensive advertisement for the position, with one or two claims raising the eyebrows of fans everywhere.
A club spokesman said, “Yes, I know our advert describes us as a North London club, but we are north of London, and if they can do it with airports then why not football clubs?”
There is also a significant group of fans looking to convince Emile Heskey to reconsider his decision to retire from the International scapegoat scene, in the hope it might attract a potential buyer.
Villa fan, Dave McColgan said, “This latest England squad lacks any real scapegoat. Well, at least one with the experience of Emile Heskey.”
“Can you really see Carlton Cole managing to single-handedly shoulder the blame from an entire nation for England’s latest dismal capitulation? No, nor can I.”