Wolves manager McCarthy bemoans ‘unfair’ alphabetised league table

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Wolverhampton Wanderers manager Mick McCarthy has today criticised the Premier League system that lists clubs in alphabetical order to determine their league position during the close season.

Speaking to a sparsely-populated room during a Molineux press conference he raged, “The current system needs looking at as it is clearly biased against any team from Wolverhampton.”

“We spend two and a half months of the year at the bottom of the table, and that puts unnecessary pressure on me, the players and the board.”

“I did suggest to the chairman that we change our name to Aardvark Wolves, but he said it sounded silly. I’m not sure what’s silly about being top of the league.”

“I find it hard to go on the internet to get the latest news because when I click to the football pages, there we are at the rock-bottom of the list, a decent scroll away from the top.”

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“This makes my job even harder because I need to use the Internet to find out what players I’m interested in.”

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The former Sunderland and Millwall boss has written to the FA with proposed changes to the current system, but says he is yet to receive a response.

“I find it incredible that we can put a man on the moon, but we can’t implement a pre-season table that lists the clubs from side to side instead of top to bottom, with club names generated in a random order that changes every 30 seconds.”

“Even a circular league table that is continually revolving would be better than what we currently have.”

However, not all managers are critical of the current system, with a delighted Ian Holloway of newly-promoted Blackpool insisting there is no need to change anything.

He said, “It’s a remarkable achievement. If you had told me a couple of months ago that we’d be sat in fifth in the Premier League I’d have thought you were madder than me.”

“There’s still some way to go, but European qualification is the prom queen, and we’re a spotty nerd with shit on his shoes.”

“We’ve had a wash, polished our shoes and we’re giving it a go. The prom queen hasn’t pulled our trousers down, but we’ve roofied her white wine spritzer and we’ve sure as hell got our lucky pants on.” He told an open-mouthed press room.