Drinking alcohol makes it easier to drink alcohol, finds study

author avatar by 14 years ago

New research has revealed that drinking alcohol can ease the symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis, making it easier for drinkers to hold glasses of beer, wine and spirits for extended periods of time.

Scientists at the University of Sheffield found that patients who had drunk alcohol most frequently experienced less joint pain, making it much easier for drinkers to not only pick up their drink, but also for them to move it from the table to their mouths with minimal discomfort.

Suffers of the debilitating condition have greeted the news with a mixture of relief and hubris, with many claiming that they knew all along that alcohol made everything better.

“Wheeeyyy! Thaaat’s great news, you bashturds!” Slurred Arthritic 61 year-old Neville Hamley, whilst dancing around a war memorial statue shortly before swinging a punch at passing postman.


Drinkers have been quick to claim that the findings of the survey are further justification for their own extended drinking practises.

NewsThump Best sellers

Norman Davey, a heavy drinker from Norwich told us, “I could have saved you loads of money and told you months ago that alcohol stops things hurting.  I once fired a nail gun through my foot when I was drunk and didn’t notice it for two whole days.”

“So a bit of arthritis has got no chance when compared to a bottle of Bell’s whiskey.”

Researchers concluded, “Yes, alcohol might grant you a pain free existence.  But to be honest, you won’t remember a bloody thing about that entire existence.”

“Which of course, might be a very good thing indeed.”

NewsThump Hoodies