by After British Gas unveiled a 98% rise in half-year profits thanks to an exceptionally cold winter, executives revealed they now start each day with a thirty-minute snow dance aimed at earning the continuing favour of the benevolent ice Gods.
The company, which supplies gas to more than half of the country’s households, made £585m in the year to June, the equivalent of forty pounds per customer.
Sam Laidlaw, the Chief Executive of British Gas’ parent company Centrica, told reporters, “We have sought the approval of the ice gods for many years, and this year they chose to grant us and our shareholders a delicious bounty.”
“Our elaborate snow dance brought the country to its knees, forced the nation’s heating on to ‘high’, and for that we will be eternally grateful.”
“We feel it might also be to do with the sacrifice of a few dozen old people, after the voice of the ice Gods instructed us to give them to the ‘coldness’ via the ceremonial procedure that what we are calling the ‘winter pricing structure’.”
Profits
As British Gas face a challenge to continue the growth of their profits, the company announced a range of new services designed to promote use of their products.
The new British Gas counselling line will allow customers to talk through any problems they might be having, with early users impressed with the free advice given.
Dave Cropley called about issues he was having making ends meet and was told, “have you tried putting the heating on?” which he claims made him “feel a bit better about everything, or maybe I was just warmer.”
84 year old Winifred Jones called the line about her acute arthritis, telling us afterwards, “I’m beginning to doubt the effectiveness of this ‘blue flame therapy’ they recommend for aching joints.”
“They said I should find some way of looking directly at four rings of blue flame for three hours a day in order to improve my physical well being.”
“I guess I’ll just have to up the dose to six hours a day. They did warn me this might happen.”
